Saturday, July 19, 2008

I was shocked this afternoon when I returned to my table during my break. I was informed by my cousin that my grandmother has passed away. Not that it is unexpected but just that news like this always seem so sudden.

My poor grandmother was plagued with old age illness since a long time ago. she has been in and out of hospital really often lately. Because of the baby, I did not visit her since her stay are usually short ..(virus etc..) Come to think of it, I havent seen her since my maternity leave period and that was a long time ago.

she's one grandmother I always see smiling so unlike the typical grandmother grouchy and moody. She's never been once moody at least to me. She stayed with us for a long time last year.. often quarreling with my mother who actually cares so much about her.. granny thinks that mom's stifling but granny does have a little bit of dementia and throws baby tantrums especially when it comes to food matters.

It hurts to see her growing frail and old.. experiencing difficulty in moving about. And yet when I was pregnant with baby last year, she had taken upon herself to help me make rice wine, beneficial for me during my confinement. The hardwork involved in the making of the wine cannot be described as she took upon her to keep on making them when batches failed and she perservered on to make another until she was successful.

when told about her sudden departure... I wanted to shed tears as i remember her fondly especially her giggles and her shy mischevious smile when she wanted an icecream. She took care of me when i was young amid her busy-ness as a farmer, always keeping some fruits for me in her orchard when she knew i was visiting.

But at that particular point in time, I didn't seem to able to shed tears or perhaps I was in a different environment that does not enable me to feel as i do now - I was more worried about whether she could come back to singapore since she passed away at a hospital in JB.

questions came one after another and soon they turned angry at the indignant way my grandmother had passed away. I was angry. angry why we were informed of the matter so late. Angry why people had to procrastinate. Angry why my daughter did not have the time to get to know this matron of steel who had a softie side to her. Angry that she did not get to enjoy her later life when she has slogged so much during her youth. She totally deserved a much better ending to her life than this.

Now here I am, suffering from insomnia, thinking of this old lady and tears come pouring from my tear ducts. I have a feeling that they would be overworked this few days. Tears tell me I would have very little to remember my grandmother by except for the fond memories she has given me. and that in my opinion is just so tragic.

I miss you Granny!
But I hope if there's really an afterlife, you are mobile and abled and free of all the old age illnesses.